Would it surprise you that my ring tone is The Final Countdown by Europe? It's because of Job and his magic show...it's an Arrested Development thing. Carrying on. So on the big day, I woke up early, got baby ready and left before Jon woke up. I drove, with my baby in tow, to my parents house. One of my bridesmaids told me about a cold sore remedy where you put cucumber on it for a bit, then put a lemon on it for a bit and then medicine. Didn't have the cucumber, only the lemon and med's.
After lemoning my lip up, I drove my little sister to our hair appointment. So here I am in curlers for a really looong time (about 45 minutes) and my little sister's hair is looking fab, her hair was pretty much done by the time my stylist takes my rollers out. She looked great! Grrr to her thick hair! So after awhile, I come to the realization that my stylist is totally NOT getting my idea for my hair. I wanted this wavy 1920's-30's do, but she kept trying to put it in ringlets and then pin it to my head. I looked like I was 70 years old. I was freaking...I was about to scream "Shit, just cut my hair off and perm it!" I looked elderly...God bless the elderly...but I have about 30 yrs before I head down that road. Moving on...I'm going off course! Well I guess she had another appointment because she pawned me off to my sister's stylist. Good. Fine. My sister's stylist was about 25 yrs younger then mine. I'm sure she would have a better idea and she did. We've been there for 2 hours and my baby boy had to tag along (but being sooo sooo good!). We leave and sat in the Taco Bell drive thru for 20 minutes! There was 2 cars in front of us! What the hell??...but screw it, I still wanted my Taco Bell!
After getting the food, we go home. Finally now, I could play with baby for a bit and eat lunch. Ate my Taco Bell! Still so delicious! Once I got back to my parents house, I noticed my cold sore looked almost non-existent! The lemon worked! Woot woot! While we were eating however, I noticed that my Dad wasn't around and asked my mom about it. She told me that he was in bathroom all night. He couldn't keep any food down or water in him and she doesn't think that he's going to make it to the wedding. Wonderful.
This week couldn't be more awesome! Is there any other thing that could add to my wonderful luck? Oh, there is? Hung over bridesmaid?? And the steamer doesn't work to steam out those nice wrinkles in my dress?? Well great...add that crap topping on the sundae that is my life. Through this whole day, I try to stay optimistic. For example, my dad is sick..but at least he isn't dying or died on my wedding day..yet. (He really should have gone to the hospital, but he's so damn stubborn and "didn't want to ruin my day".) And I could have yelled at my bridesmaid for being such a dumb twat and getting drunk the night before MY wedding (how dare she!), but her boy toy already yelled at her. Good. I knew if I yell at her for it, it would go in one ear and out the other and she wouldn't care. But since her man yelled at her, it made her feel shitty. She's one of those girls. But she did have a bad headache and at least she showed up. That's the most important thing...see me being optimistic.
By all means, I was no angel...I will admit, after I got my hair fixed, I arrived at the church and took a good look at my hair and realized I still hated my hair. Now, I thought I looked like a 60 yr old lady from the 1950's. At this point, I start to cry and break down. I'm convinced God is pissed at me. He says he loves everyone..but I'm thinking...No, he really doesn't! Am I such a horrible person that Karma just wants to behead me with it's Karmic Shovel?
Let me break down my wedding drama, shall we?
1.) I had one of my friends plan an old lady bachelorette party and told my bridesmaids they have no say in it, resulting in me planning my whole party so that my friends stop fighting.
2.) Jon pulls 2 dumb dumb moves. He A) stays out all night and B) well I haven't mentioned the other dumb dumb thing he did. Nothing big, but enough for me to question.
3.) The best man, takes advantage of the bach. party by being a prick and doing something so completely vile.
4.) Jon's brother decides to call in "sick" to the rehearsal, and the best man and the other groomsman decide to avoid the girls..including myself. Oh and from this point I will use the initials BM for Best Man...or bowel movement or butt munch..whatev.
5.) BM tells Jon that if I keep being a bitch to him he will ruin my wedding. (Jon told him, if he's wants to live, ruining OUR wedding would be a bad idea. Everyone will hunt him down if he does...BM wises up...sort of.)
6.) Then the BM decides to write me an email asking me why my friends and I ignored him and to stop talking bad about him. First of all, if you're doing scandalous things, I'm going to talk about it. That's the woman in me (I didn't tell him that though). Don't do bad things and I won't talk bad about you. Simple? And second, in my response email, I just made it sound like he was being paranoid. I said, "It's not like you made an effort to talk to us. And that's how my friends are. If you don't say hi first, they definitely won't say hi. I don't know what you want me to do about that. I can't change the way they act around people they don't know. Why are you so concerned about them? How come your acting strange?" ...well that's the short version of it. He says sorry...and things are all better between us & still are...for now.
7.) Oh and at the rehearsal dinner, I get my lovely period. Nice. So I'm going to be bleeding on my wedding day and my honeymoon. Perfect. Sonofabitch! After the wedding, it's going to be the first time that we can actually have sex and won't be sinning, but we can't do it until AFTER I'm done bleeding my life away. Great. But on the positive note, I'm not pregnant! Right? See, still remaining optimistic!
8.) My dress is 1 inch longer on the left than the right. So the alteration bill was very fun to pay!
9.) Friday night I get a nice fever blister.
10.) Saturday my hair is looking like old lady poodle.
11.) My bridesmaid shows up to my wedding with a hang over AND
12.) My father is deathly ill and can't walk me down the isle.
By this time I'm thinking, Jonathan better be worth all this! We argued more in one month than we ever had in our relationship. We rarely argue. And on my wedding day I vowed never, evah getting married again. Once is enough. Oh and as for my hair...once I did my make-up and put in one teeny weeny bobby pin, I looked fine. I put on my wrinkly dress with a smile and was ready for the showdown. I let everything roll off my back. I was ready to get married!
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