Saturday: The Final Countdown! Part 1! Its that long!

Would it surprise you that my ring tone is The Final Countdown by Europe? It's because of Job and his magic show...it's an Arrested Development thing. Carrying on. So on the big day, I woke up early, got baby ready and left before Jon woke up. I drove, with my baby in tow, to my parents house. One of my bridesmaids told me about a cold sore remedy where you put cucumber on it for a bit, then put a lemon on it for a bit and then medicine. Didn't have the cucumber, only the lemon and med's.

After lemoning my lip up, I drove my little sister to our hair appointment. So here I am in curlers for a really looong time (about 45 minutes) and my little sister's hair is looking fab, her hair was pretty much done by the time my stylist takes my rollers out. She looked great! Grrr to her thick hair! So after awhile, I come to the realization that my stylist is totally NOT getting my idea for my hair. I wanted this wavy 1920's-30's do, but she kept trying to put it in ringlets and then pin it to my head. I looked like I was 70 years old. I was freaking...I was about to scream "Shit, just cut my hair off and perm it!" I looked elderly...God bless the elderly...but I have about 30 yrs before I head down that road. Moving on...I'm going off course! Well I guess she had another appointment because she pawned me off to my sister's stylist. Good. Fine. My sister's stylist was about 25 yrs younger then mine. I'm sure she would have a better idea and she did. We've been there for 2 hours and my baby boy had to tag along (but being sooo sooo good!). We leave and sat in the Taco Bell drive thru for 20 minutes! There was 2 cars in front of us! What the hell??...but screw it, I still wanted my Taco Bell!



After getting the food, we go home. Finally now, I could play with baby for a bit and eat lunch. Ate my Taco Bell! Still so delicious! Once I got back to my parents house, I noticed my cold sore looked almost non-existent! The lemon worked! Woot woot! While we were eating however, I noticed that my Dad wasn't around and asked my mom about it. She told me that he was in bathroom all night. He couldn't keep any food down or water in him and she doesn't think that he's going to make it to the wedding. Wonderful.

This week couldn't be more awesome! Is there any other thing that could add to my wonderful luck? Oh, there is? Hung over bridesmaid?? And the steamer doesn't work to steam out those nice wrinkles in my dress?? Well great...add that crap topping on the sundae that is my life. Through this whole day, I try to stay optimistic. For example, my dad is sick..but at least he isn't dying or died on my wedding day..yet. (He really should have gone to the hospital, but he's so damn stubborn and "didn't want to ruin my day".) And I could have yelled at my bridesmaid for being such a dumb twat and getting drunk the night before MY wedding (how dare she!), but her boy toy already yelled at her. Good. I knew if I yell at her for it, it would go in one ear and out the other and she wouldn't care. But since her man yelled at her, it made her feel shitty. She's one of those girls. But she did have a bad headache and at least she showed up. That's the most important thing...see me being optimistic.

By all means, I was no angel...I will admit, after I got my hair fixed, I arrived at the church and took a good look at my hair and realized I still hated my hair. Now, I thought I looked like a 60 yr old lady from the 1950's. At this point, I start to cry and break down. I'm convinced God is pissed at me. He says he loves everyone..but I'm thinking...No, he really doesn't! Am I such a horrible person that Karma just wants to behead me with it's Karmic Shovel?

Let me break down my wedding drama, shall we?
1.) I had one of my friends plan an old lady bachelorette party and told my bridesmaids they have no say in it, resulting in me planning my whole party so that my friends stop fighting.
2.) Jon pulls 2 dumb dumb moves. He A) stays out all night and B) well I haven't mentioned the other dumb dumb thing he did. Nothing big, but enough for me to question.
3.) The best man, takes advantage of the bach. party by being a prick and doing something so completely vile.
4.) Jon's brother decides to call in "sick" to the rehearsal, and the best man and the other groomsman decide to avoid the girls..including myself. Oh and from this point I will use the initials BM for Best Man...or bowel movement or butt munch..whatev.
5.) BM tells Jon that if I keep being a bitch to him he will ruin my wedding. (Jon told him, if he's wants to live, ruining OUR wedding would be a bad idea. Everyone will hunt him down if he does...BM wises up...sort of.)
6.) Then the BM decides to write me an email asking me why my friends and I ignored him and to stop talking bad about him. First of all, if you're doing scandalous things, I'm going to talk about it. That's the woman in me (I didn't tell him that though). Don't do bad things and I won't talk bad about you. Simple? And second, in my response email, I just made it sound like he was being paranoid. I said, "It's not like you made an effort to talk to us. And that's how my friends are. If you don't say hi first, they definitely won't say hi. I don't know what you want me to do about that. I can't change the way they act around people they don't know. Why are you so concerned about them? How come your acting strange?" ...well that's the short version of it. He says sorry...and things are all better between us & still are...for now.
7.) Oh and at the rehearsal dinner, I get my lovely period. Nice. So I'm going to be bleeding on my wedding day and my honeymoon. Perfect. Sonofabitch! After the wedding, it's going to be the first time that we can actually have sex and won't be sinning, but we can't do it until AFTER I'm done bleeding my life away. Great. But on the positive note, I'm not pregnant! Right? See, still remaining optimistic!
8.) My dress is 1 inch longer on the left than the right. So the alteration bill was very fun to pay!
9.) Friday night I get a nice fever blister.
10.) Saturday my hair is looking like old lady poodle.
11.) My bridesmaid shows up to my wedding with a hang over AND
12.) My father is deathly ill and can't walk me down the isle.

By this time I'm thinking, Jonathan better be worth all this! We argued more in one month than we ever had in our relationship. We rarely argue. And on my wedding day I vowed never, evah getting married again. Once is enough. Oh and as for my hair...once I did my make-up and put in one teeny weeny bobby pin, I looked fine. I put on my wrinkly dress with a smile and was ready for the showdown. I let everything roll off my back. I was ready to get married!

ELLIOT REED HAS LANDED!!

WARNING: LONG RANT AHEAD!! This is going to be a looooong post!! But it's gossipy...so if you like gossipy-girl fights, continue!

OMG!!! It's WWIII between my bridesmaids/friends. The shit hit my fan yesterday. And it didn't need to neithah! My bestest pal, Laura, is my Maid of Honor. And pregnant. 4 almost 5 months now! Well, I guess my friends decided that she's too pregnant. So one of my friends, Christy (who isn't in my wedding), decided to take matters into her own hands and call my friend, Ashlie, and told her what the plans were for the party. Ashlie agreed and they planned the whole thing WITHOUT Laura. Christy also wrote me an email about how Laura didn't seem too enthused to plan it. I'm not going to lie, it kind of hurt me. I'm not asking for a parade or anything, but I thought even though Laura is pregnant, she isn't dead. She can muster up something for me. Well that turns out not to be the case. I find out from Laura that she DID want to help plan the party, but was told it was too late. And she was hurt. Grrrr!! It takes a lot to hurt Laura's feelings; I felt horrible for her. Two of Laura's flaws about her is that she procrastinates and she's a push-over. Needless to say, she couldn't help plan the party, even if she tried.

So next on our list is Lindsey, my stubborn, passionate, loyal Leo. I'm not going to lie. Lindsey suggested (to Christy and Ash) an idea that was pretty gay. And I knew she would. A scavenger hunt. Um, pass! Not my bag, baby. I told her I wanted everyone together with me (it's my Aquarian nature to surround myself with all my friends!). But she wasn't mad. However, when she suggested more ideas (because she knew I wouldn't like what they planned), she was shot down left and right. Until Christy straight up told her: majority rules, this is what's going down, and she has no say in it! This pissed Lindsey off!! FYI, YOU DO NOT TELL A LEO WHAT SHE CAN OR CAN'T DO!! haha..I can picture Lindsey all mad, yelling on the phone! hahaha..sorry! Moving on! So Lindsey calls me yesterday and says, "Christy is planning your party and it sounds like something she would plan for herself. I keep telling her that you want to go downtown and but she says no. And that if you do want to go, she isn't going. And Ashlie isn't really planning it, she's just agreeing with whatever Christy is saying." Me, with my maturity (HA!) replied, well we're going downtown and getting drunk. If she doesn't want to go, she doesn't have to. Fine with me. It won't hurt my feelings, I'm a big girl. I don't care! ...... I'm not done with this story yet!

Next comes Christy, she calls me and says that she and Ash have everything planned, but Lindsey isn't being cooperative and wants to fight with everyone Blah blah blah blah blah...and that everything is fine. The party is lock and loaded and ready to go! Yadda, Yadda, Yadda. Okay. Fine. Whatever.

Lindsey soon calls afterward and insists that I won't like what Christy has planned. By this point I'm getting tired, stress and pretty annoyed. Everyone and their mom has called me complaining and got me in the middle of it when I shouldn't have. I ask Lindsey what's the plans were. She, being loyal to the bridesmaids (see, total Leo!) says, "I don't want to break the bridesmaid code!" Haha.. I told her I'm ABOVE the Bridesmaid Law and that I won't tell anyone that she told me. She complies. AND. SHE. WAS. RIGHT! Everything that was planned by Christy (who, let me remind you, isn't in my wedding party) sounded like it was something she would want to do. Not me. They were going to take me to some art place to make mugs, have a little party for me at Ash's house(which is fine by me), take me to an expensive restaurant (again, I didn't mind, but no one really has money to eat there.. this was what Ashlie's idea) and then take me bowling. Now, I'm not bagging on making mugs or bowling, but I'm 26, not 16. Those are things that she likes to do...And she and Ash asked me what I wanted to do and NOT ONE OF THOSE THINGS was in the plan. I was pissed. Why ask me what I want do and then not do it? If you are going to do that, DON'T even ask me!

FINE!!! I WILL PLAN MY BACHELORETTE PARTY!! If no one likes it, TOUGH SHIT. I won't shed a tear if they don't come. I'm tired of the fighting! My plans: I wanted my bridesmaids and I to get a mini make-over at this one nice make-up shop near Santa Fe. Next, I need clothes for my honeymoon and I have a gift card so we're going to the mall. Next is the party at Ashlie's where everyone else will meet up, following by a night of drunken dancing downtown. THERE. Was that so damn hard? I don't know where Christy came in from, thinking she can boss my bridesmaids around when she's not in the wedding. God Bless, but not a smart move, Christy! Especially with a Leo and pregnant woman. Nope. Nope. Nope. Anyway, MY plans are set in stone and as Pook would say.. "my chickens" have stopped pecking at each other...Finally. Ugh. Let's act our age and not our shoe size, right Prince? haha...sorry. Bad joke. So yah, I planned my own party...just like Elliot Reed. From this I got a fever blister due to the stress. I guess I should be glad that I'm getting one now and not on my wedding day or honeymoon. But I prayed to God and told Him/Her I'll welcome this fever blister with open arms, but the 2 weeks surrounding my wedding if He/She could spare me! We'll see. God has a funny sense of humor. Anyway, that's my rant! See it was a loooong one!! haha And as for the picture I used...I dunno..doesn't really relate to my story...I just thought it was funny!

Oh, no she didn't!!

Jessica Alba always says smart things like she is a "curvy (thick) girl". Yah, I thought the same thing, dumb broad. Anyway..so this hag says this:
"In Albuquerque there’s really only one restaurant that’s pretty good. You can only take Applebee’s and Chili’s so much. Our big day was hanging out at Wal-Mart for five hours. It was like, ‘Yea Wal-Mart!"

Really, Jessica? I know you didn't! Not to my beloved "Burque". What a dumb-dumb move on your part. I mean Albuquerque is NO L.A., but we do have shit to do around here. It's pretty sad that you hung out at a Walmart, because us residents, don't. We don't. We got better shit to do. And we actually have more than one good restaurant. Applebee's and Chili's aren't as packed compare to all the locally owned restaurants (the good ones! Not the hole-in-the-wall ones!). But let's go back to this Wal-Mart fun you had. Seriously, Wal-Mart is hell! You stayed there for 5 hours? Is that how long you walked around before SOMEONE notice you? You have a lot of money, you can do whatever you want and you hung out at Wal-Mart? Every time I have to go to Satan's Market (that's what I call it!), I try to get out of there fast. It's always filled with people who are out of sync with reality or assholes. But you stayed there for 5 hours so I guess you fit right in. I find it amusing how you're quick to insult Albuquerque. Usually the local news always gets so hyped up when a celeb comes here. No one knew you were even here until you started flapping your gums. Anyway, next time you bash NM, let me fill you in of what type of people we are. Some may call us hippies, but one thing for sure is we are very proud people. We're pretty nice laid back people, but when you insult us, we get vicious. We're proud of the culture here and the history. We are proud of where we've been and how far we have come. And we have PLENTY of museums to show you all the different kinds of cultures we have. I mean PLENTY! 5 hours? I'm sure you really weren't there for 5 hours...I bet that you're so much of a bitch you just stayed holed up in your hotel. Well thanks for spewing out your venom. Because I guarantee you lost a lot your fan base. Now it's my turn to spit my venom. Who do you think you are? You're movies tanked at the box office! You are about as worthless as Paris Hilton. The only thing you contributed to the world are the idiotic ramblings and insults that flow out of your trap. Oh, and this is Elyse Sewell. She's from Albuquerque and was on America's Next Top Model..This is how, us kids in Albuquerque are. Trust. You act like an petty asshole or a fckn idiot, we'll call you out on it. Next time you visit, I'm pretty sure someone will greet you with warm welcome of negativity. Oh Elyse, I love you!!!



P.S. Sorry, for the rant, but NM is a very beautiful state. With the most down-to-Earth people you will meet (with the exceptions of the town idiots). I LOVE living here.

Catch up!

Nothing much going on here. I've just been busy trying to get presents for everyone and their damn mom. And busy worrying about the wedding. I have already had 2 nightmares where I was an hour late to my own wedding, looking like shit, and screaming at everyone to get dressed and ready. And then I walk out and all the guests already left. Then I really freak. And it felt so real, I wake up thinking I'm already married and that was my wedding. I already had a problem with the invitations...UPS decided to send them to the WRONG address. I'm very thankful for Connie, the lady they shipped them to. She called us and told us what happened right away. Thank you Connie! I don't know you, but I already love you!! As to you, UPS...your outfits make you all look like walking shits. Thanks for almost giving me a heart attack! You don't do that to a control freak! If you guys want to know my personality just watch Elliot Reed from Scrubs...especially when she's planning out her wedding. She even gets coo-coo and tries to plan her own bachelorette party, yup, I want to do that too. Moving on..

Today is my older brother's birthday today!! woo hoo!! He's 38!! He's a Sagittarius through and through!! And he's the coolest big brother too. When I left my abusive ex, Chris came with me to pick up the rest of my stuff and to kick my ex's ass if he tried to pull some bullshit with me (because Christopher knows karate!!). And even when he and my parents were going through this big fight, he would still talk to me and tell me things were alright (& it was I, that brought them back together & stop fighting...that's how we middle children roll...haha) But I hope he is having a great day because he does deserve it!!